Do I have a post with the same title from last year?
Wouldn’t surprise me.
Have I mentioned how much I loath this bloody month? Everything feels like crap. It’s a freaking dementor month. Sucks all the happiness out of you and make you feel like you can never be cheerful again.
I always spend January preparing for its end. The end with all the despair, memories and stuff that didn’t happen shoved in my face.
I hate it. I hate it as much as I loved him.
Yeah, I’ll write one of those what-my-year-was-all-about posts. Just ignore me, it’s gonna be boring as hell. (Listening to Smith&Burrows’ Only You can get you in the mood for such nonsense).
So, 2011. Amazing year.
Peace. I found the closest thing to peace I’ve ever felt. We’ll see how that goes.
I lost control. Professionally. With every person that left, drop by drop. Then I lost hope. Then found it again. Dropped dead scared. Then woke up lighter. And took a decision:
2011 is my last year at the mothership.
The year I bought my first RH tickets.
And my first NYC. Chicago. And Lolla.
The year of XSara the magnificent and the Kids.
2011 - the year of the first sofa.
:D
Amazing year.
Enough. Coldplay in O2 is gonna have to be the hugest gig I will ever go to. I don’t regret it, it was beautiful and really impressive and Fix You at the end left me breathless. But right now I’m watching my video from BSS’s concert @Heaven last may and I realize this is what I want.
I wanna watch Gomez in the tiny hall of a small dutch town, I wanna be three meters away from Grizzly Bear in the Roundhouse stalking the guy with the glasses in front that looks like Vlado, or on some nice guy’s shoulders in Hammersmith or Brixton.
I wanna go see small bands with my best friends, I wanna have someone to squeeze while Matt screams “My mind’s not right” and I need to be able to jump, scream and dance without someone shushing me on the back row.
I have three RH dates ahead. Four if you count the one in Texas. Is it weird how little excited I am about that? It is weird, isn’t it…
So here’s an item for my 2012 wishlist - a roadtrip. No flying. Us in the car day and night with the music on 24/7 and miles and miles and miles ahead…
I dreamt about the Kid finding out. I’ve been awake for 30 minutes with a weird feeling and it just hit me. It was horrible, embaracing, humiliating beyond anything I’ve felt. I’m loosing control.
This is what Nick calls going out of your comfort zone. Unknowing, uncertain, blindfolded, wondering between options.
And angry. I’m angry all the time, gritting my teeth so often I’m actually worried about them. Holding my anger gives me a fake feeling of control over the situation…
Hillarious, isn’t it? Playing games with my own mind, on purpose, in order not to loose it.
the moment when my inbox will stop to receive all kinds of company crap and will be full of emails from the kids and with gig announcements, album announcements, presale announcements and confirmations, pictures for print and stuff for brainstorming.
I will love that Inbox. I will leave the 7348 unread emails as a reminder of what it used to be for some time and then when I’m no longer nostalgic, every single company email will go to the bin.
This is the first time in years when I feel healthy scared - the type of scared that makes you do great things, go for it - run-for-the-hill, shoot-for-the-stars kind of crap.
It’s overwhelming.
I love it.
